Building Bridges to Growth and Connection
The Crescent Centre for Boys’ Education welcomed Dr. Matt Englar-Carlson, professor of counselling at California State University, Fullerton, and founding director of the Center for Boys and Men, for a parent education evening on October 28, part of the Men of Character Speaker Series. His talk, Building Bridges to Growth and Connection, explored how parents can nurture emotionally healthy, connected, and adaptable young men.
Dr. Englar-Carlson began with a brief overview of his life’s work. “ I do research on the lives of boys and men, not just for answers in terms of why boys and men behave the way they do, but more importantly, how to make improvements and live better lives.” He noted that these days, his line of work is, “in a good way, getting more attention, but sadly is also getting more attention because it hasn't necessarily gotten better.”
There are many challenges in raising children today, and particularly boys. Men have shorter life spans than women, driven chiefly by what Dr. Englar-Carlson referred to as preventable deaths caused by unhealthy behaviours. Many boys and men report feeling alone and isolated. There is also a documented rise in aggressive masculinity. “Men who reject rigid notions about masculinity,” stated Dr. Englar-Carson, “are healthier in nearly every single way compared to men who don't endorse those beliefs.”
The central theme of his lecture was the importance of connection. “We are the most connected yet disconnected generation in history,” he said. “Relationships are the number one factor for health, happiness, and longevity for everyone, but especially for boys and men.” His work, he said, is driven by a belief that “connection, not perfection, is what helps boys and men thrive.”
Englar-Carlson introduced the concept of “mattering”, a process of active listening that reinforces the importance of one’s presence. He offered parents tips such as circling back to conversations, exploring their sons’ thought processes, validating their emotions, and sharing in their interests. “You’re building a language that you can use in the future, a bridge to connection.”
He also spoke of the need to bulk up social muscles, given that many boys lack social wherewithal and need help with cues. This requires parents to be “explicit about the implicit”, citing examples such as writing thank-you notes or setting up a weekly call with their son attending university. Not only does this set expectations, it also “helps your son navigate their relationship with you and gives them guidance on how they should navigate things in the future.”
Dr. Englar-Carlson reminded the audience of their expertise in parenting. “As parents, we have 30-plus years more experience in cultivating relationships,” he said. This expertise is particularly crucial when communication breaks down or arguments come to a stalemate. He encouraged the audience to “swallow your pride as a parent and realize it is up to you to operate in a way that allows a repair.”
His closing message was that parenting boys requires both humility and hope. “Love is powerful,” he said. “There’s no substitute for warmth and affection. Even when you don’t know what to do, a hug can go a very long way.”
